Today, I will share a bit of my past that hurts me still whenever I think about it. I don’t look the way I do now back in the past. I never revealed much to my parents because I did not want them to worry about me.
It started when I entered secondary school (aged between 13 to 16). I was, to be frank, a nerd. When I went onto the stage with my other secondary 1 friends who entered the school, I could see some guys pointing at me – laughing. Not just laughing but laughing hard. I saw that and deep in my heart, I already felt a certain form of sadness. However, I choose to ignore it. Sadly, my class had 1 girl who was part of a gang. She took advantage of the fact that she was a gang member.
I studied very hard and became one of the top 3 students in class. Naturally, people felt jealous and hated that I did very well. So, one day, one of my classmates, after PE lesson, took one of the shorts that was super wet and placed it over my head. What kind of bullying is this? The whole class laughed – even that girl; the gang member. I shall not name her because I believe that life is a cycle and your own child might go through what you did to me. However, I pray not because I am not as evil as you. Your child is not at fault for your mistakes.
Time when by, I got promoted to the first express class. Actually, I did not want to go that class because I preferred to stay in the second express class. The bully was downgraded to a normal academic class. Nobody welcomed my presence in the first express class – it was as though I was an outsider. My confidence dropped further when I entered this class. Not a single soul wanted to help me in this class – everyone was selfish. Even group work, they only selected the best to be with them. As a result, from being 1st in class back in my old class… I was now the LAST of the lot. I cried a lot of tears after being treated as such. If you were to ask them, obviously they would have a different story. My parents never knew about this but each day, I felt more and more demoralized. I had classmates who were not only not supportive but kept asking me about my marks so that their confidence got boosted – which I thought was not important. There were no real friendships formed just facades to get more knowledge from you and leave, if possible.
In Secondary 4, during my final year, things got even worse… A lot of rumors were created. I admit my mistake, I thought I was helping a friend by talking things out BUT instead, SO many false lies were passed around. I felt like an outcast. SO sad. SO miserable. Last but not least, so rejected. Everyone did not talk to me during the last 6 months. This part of my life ruined my whole self-esteem. People kept commenting I had small chests and a big bum. Well, I was still young, what do you expect? Beyonce? I cried a lot each day and God, or Allah rather, was my savior. I kept asking him what I did wrong to deserve this. However, I told myself, my studies came first. One day, I will be someone… It was very tough. They found my blog when I was a teenager and cyber-bullied me each day, critisizing me. I cried everyday. Till I deleted the whole blog when I no longer could take it. It was a disaster. The only thing that made me happy throughout the whole experience was being made the Welfare Manager in my CCA. I was in Concert Band. Music was my escape.
O levels came and I thank God that I managed to pull through. After giving me 6 months of hell and after O levels were over, my classmates slowly approached me to talk about things… But my heart turned cold. I only contacted one person but the rest – I deleted them from my life. I needed a new start. A lot of them went to Junior College but I chose polytechnic.
I took a course in ICT and I excelled in it. Surviving the whole bullying thing was a choice I made. I had to be strong because in life, many people will continuously try to bring you down…
So down that you want to give up at times. Life is always a choice. However, I suggest that victims of bullying nowadays to call any helpline if possible. I can pull through alone does not mean that you can unless if you have any form of religion to fall back on…
I thank God I stayed strong because hey hey hey, I am a married. I have a child. And I am where I am supposed to be. Though the wounds are still there, they are healed. My social circle was big back then but now I keep it very small for those who really matters – those who inspire me constantly. My family will, of course, forever be a part of me so yes they will be in my contacts. But friends wise, you can literally count how many friends I have.
I will pray for all the victims of bullying and cyber-bullying to be strong… And I pray for my friends and I to have an even more trusting and close relationship.
I thank God whole-heartedly for letting me be stronger because without these experiences, I would not have been who I am now. I am able to accept criticism and learn to ignore whatever that’s not important. My biggest inspiration is my child for sure – I love you and remember, Mommy is always here for you. 🙂